The world is spinning

So, I wake up today,(for the second time) and got up to let the dogs out. After running into the 3rd wall, I realize that my normal, first get up in the morning dizziness is not going away. If any of my neighbors were watching me put the dogs in the yard, I can just imagine what they thought of me stumbling around like a drunkard at 11:00 in my pjs looking like a hot mess. So after running into a few more walls, I decided this was definately a bed day. Now as 3:00 looms closer and closer, I start to wonder if I will be able to pick up my oldest son from school. I get out of bed and realize, yep still dizzy but not as much as before. Should I try? Of late I have had my brain filled with reports of fatal crashes in the area. Also a wonderful friend of mine posted a lovely little video filled with over 9 minutes of gruesome car accidents and pedestrians being struck, all set to music. I watched it. Two times. I am stupid. Or morbid. But I was horrified and nauseated after watching it. And friggin SCARED!!! Like, those pedestrians or people in the cars could be my family! Uggg. Or what if I screwed up some day and was the driver????? I started having visions of me mowing down some innocent Jr. high school kid. Not cool. I thought to myself "call your sister". Then I went back and forth in my head for another 20 mins or so. Why is this so hard? Asking for help? I mean, it's really not that big of an imposition. My sister lives across the street and 9 houses down. She already goes to pick up her own child at that time. Granted it's 2 different schools, but Hello, we live in a Very Small town. The schools are within like 2 minutes of each other. So why the heck am I torturing my already, obviously oxygen deprived, scrambled up brain trying to make such a stupidly easy decision. What the heck is my problem with asking for help? After pondering this question (like my brain didnt have enough to do) here are some of the answers I came up with:

1. Asking for help is admitting weakness, which I abhor. It is admitting that, horrors of horrors, there is something I cant do!!! It means the stupid illness wins. That really ticks me off.

2. Loss of control. Its stupid and anal, I know. Its the whole, he's my son, I need to be the one in control of his life type of thing. Like maybe I could make SURE he was safe. Uh huh...me with my dizzy body...um not this time Cyndi. Hes definately safer with someone else behind the wheel. Which pisses me off. Again.

3. Guilt. All though I know its not that big of an imposition, I still feel guilty. I mean it is a whole mile out of her way, and she has to deal with that crazy school traffic twice, and it will take her a whole extra 20 minutes....ok Im pathetic. I just cant help it. Somehow guilt got hardwired into my brain.

4. Fear. What if she gets in a car wreck going to pick up MY son? It would be my fault. Or what if she accidently mows down a 12 year old kid? That would be on my conscience for the rest of my life. Her life would be ruined because I couldnt get my butt in the car and drive FOUR LOUSY BLOCKS to pick up my son. Or horrors of horrors there is a wreck and something unmentionable happens to her, her children or my son. I would have to live with the what ifs FOREVER.

Please people, tell me some of this crap goes thru your heads at times!!! Because right now Im sounding like a crazy, control freak, phobic mess!!!!

5. I hate to feel beholden to people. Ok that sounds really witchy. Like I am a brat that doesnt like to do things for others. That is so not true! Really! Its just that at this time in my life, most of the time I CAN'T! I can't return the kindness and that just drives me insane.

So all this is running thru my dumb head and then I think. "Cyndi, quit being your pathetic self. This is your SISTER! You know, the woman who is one of the handful of people in your life that truly KNOWS the crap you go thru daily. The one who WANTS to help you. The one that would be supremely pissed off if you DIDN'T call for help (yep, know that from past experiances of being stupid and not asking and her finding out).

So I called. And she was like "of course". And she arrived with all persons and vehicles intact. No biggie.

I gave myself a brain aneurism for nothing. Again. {{{{{{{sigh}}}}}}}}}. I am pathetic.

The end.