I'm cave dwelling again. Down in that dark, dank pit. I'm sorry. I know some of you may be hoping this would be a happier post right? Sorry but in the brief moments of joy I experience, I don't waste them by sitting at the computer. Maybe someday, I will write about them also. Right now I have to get this darkness out. I know I'm not alone in my cave. Over the last few days I have heard from several of my fellow dysautonmia/Ehler Danlos Syndrome friends. They are feeling done. They want to give up. I sometimes struggle with what to tell them. Its hard to be encouraging when you are in the same exact place. The fight is exhausting. I was honest with a friend, and told her the thought of ending it is always there, a serpent thought, slithering through my mind relentlessly. It tells me how tired I am. How sick. How hard this is. How peaceful it would be. I could finally just REST. Sometimes it is soo soo tempting, but most of the time it is just torturous. I would never do that to my family. EVER. So it taunts me. I have never been in a cave so deep, so dark for so long until this illness hit me. I claw and scratch my way to the light every so often, look around with squinty eyes, sometimes even FEEL the light. Brief times of reprieve from the dark. But I always fall. Sometimes just a little, so I can still see the light, lots of times, all the way to the bottom. Its dark and lonely down here. Oh the thoughts that go through the mind in that pitch black place. Terrible things like, "why does God hate me, I am done with Him". Being jealous of cancer patients. Gasp! I know its awful. I know I'm not alone in feeling that, thank God. Why would you be jealous of them, you ask? A little part of my brain says its because they are either gonna get treatment and get better, or they will get to be released from the suffering. I know, it is horrible, I KNOW! And if i was told I had cancer tomorrow it could be a whole different story. Who knows. Do any of us who, at times feel so ready to give up, really want to DIE? I don't think so. We just want relief from the suffering. We want to LIVE. I feel I am not really living, just enduring,struggling, existing, suffering. The endlessness of it staggers me. I just cant fathom still doing this in 1 year, 5 years, 10 YEARS! The thought is so agonizing, the urge to opt out is there, always there. To exert some control over our powerlessness. Because there is no control of anything with this illness. I cant control my body, so I cant plan a life. I cant work, so I am powerless against the debt that is piling up from medical bills and the fall out of those bills. Debt from which, I cant ever see us emerging from. ENDLESS ENDLESS ENDLESS. Endless illness, endless stress,endless struggling. What kind of existence is this? I have become a master of deception. I told my husband I was depressed and he was actually shocked! I guess I'm doing a great job of hiding my cave from others. I have come to really hate the question, "so how are you doing?" Trust me people, you don't want the real answer. I know there are some who would say I need to be more positive. Please believe me when I say I have TRIED and TRIED to have a totally positive attitude. Sometimes, for a short while, I succeed. But then I find myself here again, battered and bruised, feeling like a failure, feeling less then those forever optimistic people with this illness. Feeling lonelier then ever. I also am left to wonder if my emotions are my own. Yet another uncontrollable part of this illness is its effects on the emotions. My body surges fight or flight chemicals randomly. So I can go from feeling calm to frantic in seconds. Let me tell you, I now understand the fight or flight effect. It is not just panic attacks. It is not just the flying high heart rate and shakiness. Oh no. The fight part of it has a definite sharp edge to it. I want to punch something. There is this ugly edginess, which sometimes is actually rage. I think my meds add to that. I have also been told by a doctor that chronic pain actually changes chemicals in the brain which leads to feeling depression. So I can finally get to the light, be soaking it in, enjoying life, and then BAM!!! My body THROWS me back into the cave. My mind is kicking and screaming against it to no avail. Powerless. So powerless.
I'm also floundering in my relationship with my Father. He is so far, far up there in my deep, deep cave. I cant reach Him, cant feel Him down here in the dark. I miss Him. I need Him. I don't feel His love or His peace. I know He is always there. So I feel,in yet another way, in my walk, I am failing. I am not weathering the storm with Him. I just cant seem to get to that place. I want so badly to be there. To be that person who radiates their faith through the storms of life. It kills me that I'm not that person, kills me. Holy Spirit, please help me!
I have considered seeking help. I am paralyzed by trying to start yet another search for a trustworthy counselor, preferably, a christian and one who knows how to treat people with chronic illnesses. Probably impossible in this place I live in. I'm also so reluctant to make more medical debt. I cant do it. The stress of it is overwhelming. So for now I will write it down, vent it out here. I'm sorry if you get tired of it. Maybe someday the cave wont be so deep. Maybe someday I will post about those moments I feel and see the light. Maybe. I really hope so...
