Im having a moment. I really hope it lasts longer then a moment, but in case I forget about it tomorrow, I will write it down. I dont even really know how to put it into words, so forgive me if I ramble a bit. Today has been hard. Full of pain. Full of suffering. I have no clue why this should come over me today of all days, but here it is. PEACE. A strange peace. An emotional crying my eyes out kinda of peace. A realization. Life is short. Scriptures float thru my head. About how this life here is but a vapor in the wind. Im realizing how true that is. Even though part of me is screaming the contrary, that my suffering is long. I am realizing that I am lucky. That although this body, this shell is breaking down, malfunctioning, frail, I am ALIVE! Every day is a gift being given to me. Another day to see my boys grow toward manhood. To see who they are becoming. Another day to serve the purpose God has for my life. I am alive and breathing and here on this earth to live out my purpose. Yes I am sick. Yes, every single day is a struggle. But im here and God has His hand on me. It will be ok. IT WILL. I think about all the regrets and sorrow I have. The life I feel I have been robbed of, the things I wanted to do. And I realize, its not about me. Its not about what I want. Its about His plan for me. I may never know or understand what it is in my time here. But I have to choose to just trust. To be thankful. To endure, and try to make the best of my time here. Because in the blink of an eye, it will be my time to go Home. Whether that is tomorrow or 50 years from now. Yes I will suffer. But I am not alone in that. I am not special. We all suffer. We all endure. But I know its not forever. Someday I will be renewed. On that day I dont want to look back at a life wasted in bitterness and regret. On a purpose lost on me, unfulfilled. I am here for a reason. I will try to live it without doubt, without anger. Be thankful. Maybe even MORE thankful BECAUSE I am sick. Thankful that my body has made it thru another day. I still yearn to go Home. For relief. But I am somehow in less of a rush. I want to live out my purpose here. I want the gift of another day in my boys lives. Another day with my husband. Another day with my friends. Another day to be the person God wants me to be here on earth. I hope this peace, this realization stays with me. I hope I dont wake tomorrow and let my pain, my illness, overwhelm me again. I say that and realize, that if not tomorrow, Im sure it will another day. Because it is the nature of this illness. It is overwhelming. It controls even my emotions some days. I am greatful to have this moment of clarity, of peace. I am writing it down, so when it overtakes me again, I can read this and remember. I can read it and hopefully find the peace again, and be thankful to be alive and breathing another day. To remember that I trust in His purpose for my life, and go on another day.

Peace to all of my friends who suffer. I am greatful you are here another day,
Cyndi