I dont want to do this anymore...

This week has been hard. My camera broke. I feel like ive lost a limb. Or a friend. Im mourning it. I know we cant afford to fix it right now. It has always felt like a guilty pleasure anyway, despite the fact that it is my one true passion. Now its dysfuctional. Broken. Like me. Something is wrong with it. I have no idea how to fix it. In this small town I have no idea where i can bring it to be diagnosed. And so it sits there. Useless. Not able to do what its supposed to do. Wow. Theres so much symbolism there, i cant begin to put it into words. Im supposed to start a new med tonight. I dont want to. Im scared. I have heard it works well for others but with my insane body, who knows. So many of the recommended meds for dysautonomia, effect me completely opposite of how they do for others. Its supposed to help with my constant migraines. But its a anti-seizure med and that scares me. My sister had to take antiseizure meds and they were awful. She actually stopped taking them so she could function again, risking seizures to do it. So i battle with myself again. Do I or dont I. I know i need to give it a chance. The meds for my stomach have helped somewhat, so i know i need to just try. But its so hard, this fear of a med making you feel even sicker. I am already so miserable, just thinking of putting something into my body that may make me feel worse is paralyzing. I cant take being any sicker in a day. I just cant. I told my hubby that really i just dont want to have to NEED another med. I dont want this disease. I dont want to riddle my body with drugs that may be effect other organs long term. I want to be that 80 year old lady that needs no meds. Im 38 years old and need a pill box. But i havent used one of those yet either because I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO NEED IT!!!! I dont want to do this anymore. I want to wake up tomorrow and have it all be a bad dream. I want to wake up feeling awesome. I want to not be sick and nauseated every single day. I want to have energy. I want to eat what i want. I want to work in my garden without blacking out. I want to wake up and not feel my heart racing away. I want to never have more then a little tension headache ever again. I want my life back. I dont want to do this thing called life with multiple noncurable, debilatiting diseases anymore. I just dont. Im sick and tired of it. So yes this week has been hard. Broken cameras, realizations that camping may just not be an option anymore, no matter how much i love it, new meds to add to the ever growing list.....its just been one of those times that the denial i try so hard to live in, just crumbles away. And that is terrible. Its like trying to wake up from a horrible dream, only to realize there will not be that feeling of relief upon waking, that the nightmare is your life. And sometimes i just dont want to do it anymore....

.

A loosing battle

So today I'm so very sick. I have been all weekend. I think I may have a sinus infection. My head is splitting. I'm shaky and so so nauseated. When I stand up I grey out and fight off spewing my guts. My heart rate is flying. All weekend I battled this but today its even worse. I have a child home sick. Another one due home in 15 minutes and a hubby whose working till 10:30 tonight. All weekend I was forced to be a nonexistent parent. Loaded up on a chemical arsenal, laying in bed. My kids were fine, they are old enough to be OK when I am bed bound. I know this in my head but how do I make myself stop feeling like the looser mom of the year? I hurt so bad today and feel so sick I need to take the meds. But I am doing battle with myself. What about homework, dinner, making sure the kids stay on school nite schedule? I just want to scream. I cant do it. I cant do it! The frustration is so intense. I hate this illness. I HATE DYSAUTONOMIA!

Im having a moment. I really hope it lasts longer then a moment, but in case I forget about it tomorrow, I will write it down. I dont even really know how to put it into words, so forgive me if I ramble a bit. Today has been hard. Full of pain. Full of suffering. I have no clue why this should come over me today of all days, but here it is. PEACE. A strange peace. An emotional crying my eyes out kinda of peace. A realization. Life is short. Scriptures float thru my head. About how this life here is but a vapor in the wind. Im realizing how true that is. Even though part of me is screaming the contrary, that my suffering is long. I am realizing that I am lucky. That although this body, this shell is breaking down, malfunctioning, frail, I am ALIVE! Every day is a gift being given to me. Another day to see my boys grow toward manhood. To see who they are becoming. Another day to serve the purpose God has for my life. I am alive and breathing and here on this earth to live out my purpose. Yes I am sick. Yes, every single day is a struggle. But im here and God has His hand on me. It will be ok. IT WILL. I think about all the regrets and sorrow I have. The life I feel I have been robbed of, the things I wanted to do. And I realize, its not about me. Its not about what I want. Its about His plan for me. I may never know or understand what it is in my time here. But I have to choose to just trust. To be thankful. To endure, and try to make the best of my time here. Because in the blink of an eye, it will be my time to go Home. Whether that is tomorrow or 50 years from now. Yes I will suffer. But I am not alone in that. I am not special. We all suffer. We all endure. But I know its not forever. Someday I will be renewed. On that day I dont want to look back at a life wasted in bitterness and regret. On a purpose lost on me, unfulfilled. I am here for a reason. I will try to live it without doubt, without anger. Be thankful. Maybe even MORE thankful BECAUSE I am sick. Thankful that my body has made it thru another day. I still yearn to go Home. For relief. But I am somehow in less of a rush. I want to live out my purpose here. I want the gift of another day in my boys lives. Another day with my husband. Another day with my friends. Another day to be the person God wants me to be here on earth. I hope this peace, this realization stays with me. I hope I dont wake tomorrow and let my pain, my illness, overwhelm me again. I say that and realize, that if not tomorrow, Im sure it will another day. Because it is the nature of this illness. It is overwhelming. It controls even my emotions some days. I am greatful to have this moment of clarity, of peace. I am writing it down, so when it overtakes me again, I can read this and remember. I can read it and hopefully find the peace again, and be thankful to be alive and breathing another day. To remember that I trust in His purpose for my life, and go on another day.

Peace to all of my friends who suffer. I am greatful you are here another day,
Cyndi