I dont want to do this anymore...

This week has been hard. My camera broke. I feel like ive lost a limb. Or a friend. Im mourning it. I know we cant afford to fix it right now. It has always felt like a guilty pleasure anyway, despite the fact that it is my one true passion. Now its dysfuctional. Broken. Like me. Something is wrong with it. I have no idea how to fix it. In this small town I have no idea where i can bring it to be diagnosed. And so it sits there. Useless. Not able to do what its supposed to do. Wow. Theres so much symbolism there, i cant begin to put it into words. Im supposed to start a new med tonight. I dont want to. Im scared. I have heard it works well for others but with my insane body, who knows. So many of the recommended meds for dysautonomia, effect me completely opposite of how they do for others. Its supposed to help with my constant migraines. But its a anti-seizure med and that scares me. My sister had to take antiseizure meds and they were awful. She actually stopped taking them so she could function again, risking seizures to do it. So i battle with myself again. Do I or dont I. I know i need to give it a chance. The meds for my stomach have helped somewhat, so i know i need to just try. But its so hard, this fear of a med making you feel even sicker. I am already so miserable, just thinking of putting something into my body that may make me feel worse is paralyzing. I cant take being any sicker in a day. I just cant. I told my hubby that really i just dont want to have to NEED another med. I dont want this disease. I dont want to riddle my body with drugs that may be effect other organs long term. I want to be that 80 year old lady that needs no meds. Im 38 years old and need a pill box. But i havent used one of those yet either because I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO NEED IT!!!! I dont want to do this anymore. I want to wake up tomorrow and have it all be a bad dream. I want to wake up feeling awesome. I want to not be sick and nauseated every single day. I want to have energy. I want to eat what i want. I want to work in my garden without blacking out. I want to wake up and not feel my heart racing away. I want to never have more then a little tension headache ever again. I want my life back. I dont want to do this thing called life with multiple noncurable, debilatiting diseases anymore. I just dont. Im sick and tired of it. So yes this week has been hard. Broken cameras, realizations that camping may just not be an option anymore, no matter how much i love it, new meds to add to the ever growing list.....its just been one of those times that the denial i try so hard to live in, just crumbles away. And that is terrible. Its like trying to wake up from a horrible dream, only to realize there will not be that feeling of relief upon waking, that the nightmare is your life. And sometimes i just dont want to do it anymore....

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